Why are they so difficult?

As a therapist, I spend a lot of time talking about relationships with the people I support.

In society, we often consider relationships to mean romantic partners. However, we are usually exploring all the relationships my clients have. These include family members, colleagues, friends, and our therapeutic relationship.

As predominantly social beings, interacting with others can cause a lot of distress at times.  Clients can be left feeling confused, hurt, and ultimately uncertain about the other person’s intentions or their own needs.

Do you find yourself acting out of character with certain people or feeling nervous or unsure when you need to talk to someone in particular?

Or do you find all relationships hard work and overwhelming at times?

Why does this happen?

Relationships are complex. You have your own thoughts and feelings to consider, as well as the other person’s.  What they express openly, what they hold back, and how all of that shapes the connection between you.

When we add in our personal history with relationships, especially those formed in childhood, the other person’s history, and the mix of life events surrounding you both, it becomes clear why communicating within relationships can be so challenging.

What can we do?

When I have worked with a client for some time and have a better understanding of the dynamics involved, I may encourage them to consider their relationship interactions in three parts.

• The client’s needs and communications.
• The other person’s needs and communications.
• The relationship between them.

Whilst we need to pay attention to the other person, we cannot control their emotions or actions. Accepting this can feel liberating and allows us to concentrate on the remaining aspects of us and the relationship.

When we consider ourselves, we need to understand our needs (both currently and historically).  We can pay attention to the words and actions used and remain aware of how we are feeling emotionally. 

Not easy, I know.

The third element is the relationship between you. I view this as both parties' responsibility and see it as a constantly evolving mixture of what is put in by each of you.

Communication is the key.

I appreciate that this feels like an obvious statement, and this is well-documented in the media.

In fact, so many TV shows now focus on communication in relationships, with a steep rise in reality TV illustrating healthy and unhealthy interactions.  The public love both, and they celebrate when couples are doing well and they judge when they see others struggle.

Ask yourself this-

• Do you know your own needs?
• How do you communicate your needs?
• What things in your relationships trigger uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or behaviours?
• Do you lean in and want to communicate when there are issues in the relationship, or do you pull away and need space?
• How is your history with others, impacting on your current relationships?

I believe that understanding ourselves better will always benefit how we struggle or thrive in relation to others.

If you would like to find out more, a good place to start is learning about attachment styles. 

Here is a video that begins to explain the different types of attachment:

The 4 Main Attachment Styles in Relationships (+ The Attachment Theory)

If you would like support with the topic discussed, feel free to reach out to Mel or myself to see if we can offer any help.

Claire Crampton